Do You Want Fries With That?


I don’t know why everybody keeps staring. I mean, it’s not like I did something everyone hasn’t thought about doing a million times.

I was just so tired of watching some middle-aged person compromise their dignity by asking something like “do you want some poppers for later?,” “would you like fries with that?” or “How about a nice slice of cheesecake to go?”

I mean, don’t get me wrong, a job’s a job. In this economy you can’t be too picky, but it strikes me as cruel that the faceless management of these corporate slop purveyors would force their resigned employees to ask these questions. I know there is some market research somewhere that tells us that x percentage of people respond in the affirmative when asked “how about a large chocolate shake?” Probably because of some deep-seated psychology about not wanting to go against the herd, or whatever.

But what about the waste of breath and effort asking that question really is? First of all, nobody needs poppers or a large shake. People are fat enough as it is, especially the people who eat at these places all the time.

But the real problem is the deep existential offense of requiring human beings to say stupid things against their will. Someone should do a study measuring how much a soul dies each time we ask a question like, “would you like a hot apple pie?”

I, for one, am overcome with grief and a blackish despair each time I ask for a coffee and am robotically assaulted with offers made by regular people trapped inside the bodies of fast food automatons peddling deep-fried foods bearing all the appeal of a dirty tissue.

I guess I finally just had my fill. I hardly even realized what I was doing when I reached across the counter and pulled the stand of plastic cups containing sickeningly sweet, artificially preserved baked goods onto the floor.

I hardly knew what I was saying when I yelled “No! I do NOT want a popper! I do not want FRIES with that! What the FUCK is the matter with you? If they’re so great, YOU have them! Just give me my goddamn coffee!!!”

But, you know, whatever. I was just doing what everyone thinks about but never does. One thing is for sure, though. I should probably start making coffee at home.

Or maybe less coffee is the answer…

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